she showed me her room, isn't it good, norwegian wood?

finallyflyapart @ 2009-09-16T22:20:00

2009-09-17T02:21:20Z

The sky was sublime. Early evening, with the makings of a storm floating in the clouds, glowing brightly purple and pink. Fireflies illuminating the grass, yellow, green.

It felt surreal.

finallyflyapart @ 2009-08-11T17:32:00

2009-08-11T21:59:24Z

I feel almost guilty updating. I've realized recently that most events in my life are either boring as heck or fairly unrelatable, but what can you do, I guess.

Things that seem noteworthy:
1. I saw nearly all of my high school friends today, which was really, really wonderful. It's been hard, not seeing anyone, but I feel really anxious when I try to write people letters or call them on the phone, so I'm stuck in this weird paradox most of the time.
2. My gmail keeps saying that I have a ton of unread emails. When I logged in a while ago, I had 28. Now, I evidently have 47 and counting, but I can't actually see any of them in my inbox, so I have no idea where they are. I don't know where they could possibly be fetching from, or where they're hiding out. Right now, I really wish I were more technologically advanced.
3. I'm kind of dreading returning to Swarthmore. I feel really insignificant to people there, and I don't really want to confont all these feelings that have been building in me. I just feel like I could fall off the face of the earth, and it wouldn't make the slightest difference. It's probably a common feeling, but it feels terribly personal, regardless.
4. I'm listening to indie Christmas music, and it's strangely comforting, kind of like being warmed by a fire.
5. It's Tuesday now, and I haven't actually slept since Thursday night. Human bodies do crazy things, sometimes.

finallyflyapart @ 2009-08-10T09:52:00

2009-08-10T13:54:48Z

GREAT TRAGEDY HAS STRUCK MY LIFE. I can't find my "this is what a feminist looks like" pin. It's got to be hiding somewhere, little fucker.

snippets of my mind

2009-08-09T20:08:19Z

1. cold shower please
2. strangely ready for school but not to fix the hole in my schedule
3. still love online shopping when's my stuff coming
4. what I really need are curtains
5. whoever invented not being able to sleep was dumb
6. going to DC going to DC donig ot GC goijdlgkdjasg

to my stomach, an open letter

2009-08-08T14:09:25Z

Dear Stomach,

I know we've had our disagreements in the past. I'm sorry for that time in third grade I decided I wanted to eat a pizza. Also for that time in fifth grade when I had an obsession with orange juice. But you really have to stop. This can't go on. Please stop hurting so horribly, horribly badly. I'm not saying this to cause you harm, but you must know. This relationship is causing me more pain than pleasure, and if things don't start to look up I'm out.

In all seriousness,
Meg

finallyflyapart @ 2009-08-01T22:11:00

2009-08-02T02:13:00Z

Most depressing song ever: Ben Folds' Brick.

you remind me of home

2009-07-30T18:04:00Z

I was talking to Zoe a few days ago, and I don't remember the conversation exactly, but we started talking about planes and how there's the plane most people exist in, and then there's this other one, the unpeopled one, and how we get stuck in the second one, even when we're actually, physically around other people. I've been thinking about it, my bi-planar nature, and I've realized that I spend a lot of time in this position of isolatedness and power because I'm in that second plane so often. I don't know, I can't quite encapsulate it. Using words seems kind of moot to describe my mental landscape. Either you get it because you go there, and you have this second plane, too, or you probably never will.

I'm amazed, a bit, that the summer is already wrapping up; also, I'm beginning to think that I have a very poor grasp over anything temporal. I've been here just about the same amount of time as a semester of college, with the same physical closeness, that hypertime that seems to come with school. I'll have to post a few of the funnier stories soon. But for now I think I'm going to take a nap instead. I've got priorities.

finallyflyapart @ 2009-07-22T23:50:00

2009-07-23T03:50:41Z

The kids are dropping like flies.

YEAH SWINE FLU.

finallyflyapart @ 2009-06-30T02:31:00

2009-06-30T06:33:52Z

I was on Jim's bed, next to Ellen, watching Milk, and I pulled out my eyebrows. I don't know what I was thinking, exactly, except how easily the hair came out, and now I'm largely missing the part that's closest to your nose. My face hurts.

Am I stressed out? I think so.

in packing

2009-06-08T14:40:03Z

things I found that I was expecting to find:
- the Cape Cod t-shirt from circa 1980, repaired after a run in with Hester the Mouse
- that yellow cloth necklace people always compliment me on
- Christmas lights
- crazy floral sheets that are clearly from the seventies
- a million and a half pillows (read: seven)
- roughly three hundred economics flashcards, hell yes I got an A+

things I found that I wasn't expecting to find:
- my disposable camera pictures, now I need to magically find them scanned onto my computer
- a dancing and singing hedgehog
- flip flops
- several novels I don't remember buying but want to read now that I've seen them
- Chinese lanterns
- an inflatable fish
- my favorite tweezers

things I didn't find that I would have liked to find:
- Apples to Apples
- boots even though you're evidently not supposed to wear boots in the summer
- sheets that aren't clearly from the seventies
- movies that aren't rated R (what's wrong with me??)
- Clearasil, that stuff's dead useful
- razor blades
- a memory card for my camera
- my driver's license CRAP

finallyflyapart @ 2009-06-06T18:56:00

2009-06-06T23:04:38Z

I was wrong, again. I'm getting thinner and taller, as it turns out. I might even be 5'4'' now. I don't know why I keep talking about this. It really isn't interesting at all, to anyone. But I've always wanted to be taller, so there.

Back from the beach. I have a few really bad patches of sunburn, but the rest of me is largely pale as ever. Except for my feet, which are so brown they don't even look like they belong on the rest of my body. How does science work.

I'm not sure if I had a good time or not. I'd wanted to go to the beach for so long, and I got to fly a kite and lay in the sun and bob up and down in the water with the waves and walk and walk and walk along the shore. But a lot of the time, I felt horrible. I don't know it if was because I was at the beach, or if I was just feeling horrible anyway, and I just happened to be there. It's just hard, when you're restless and tired, and your thoughts are all over the place, and you just feel like you're constantly bringing everyone down. My mother's whatever-she-does was nearly intolerable. One night, I was just running and running and sobbing in the street, and I couldn't get far enough away. It didn't make me feel better.

I don't know.

I'm ready to go to work and have tasks delegated to me to just do and not think about. I just don't want to be here anymore.

finallyflyapart @ 2009-05-26T17:20:00

2009-05-26T21:26:35Z

I have these dreams, nightmares really, sometimes that are really close to my real life. And in them I almost always say things that are really devastating. But it's hard for me to deal with when I wake up because, in the dreams, I'm saying things that are honest and that probably ought to be said, but it's still hurtful and awful. And I know these are things I should be saying, things I really feel, but when I'm awake I always censor myself, and I don't want to hurt people. I really don't. But I have to wonder why I keep having these dreams, then.

finallyflyapart @ 2009-05-25T18:30:00

2009-05-25T22:37:23Z

So, as it turns out, I'm not getting taller; rather, I'm getting thinner. This is evidenced by: me wearing a dress that I bought in Paris not this past summer but rather when I was 10, my mom saying that I look like a waif and subsequently trying to feed me fried eggs and hot dogs. This also explains the pointy elbows. (It's kind of like House, right, where you have all these symptoms that don't seem to fit together and then in the last 5 minutes of the show some crazy explanation like a person's deodorant appears, and they suddenly all click.)

Today's another wasted day, I'm pretty sure. I don't know. There's nothing I really want to be doing with myself, so when I ask myself what I'd like to do to make myself happy, I never have an answer, and then I just don't do anything at all.

MAYBE I'LL WATCH POLDARK THE REVOLUTIONARY PIRATE. (and eat some ice cream??)

finallyflyapart @ 2009-05-24T10:28:00

2009-05-24T17:56:06Z

I think I'm getting taller. I'd like to think so, at least. This probably isn't true, but, somehow, the ceiling seems closer. I feel like it's only inches away from my fingertips when I reach upward. My mother also seems shorter. Maybe I'm not growing, and she's just shrinking. I hope that's not it. My elbows are also getting pointier, I'm pretty sure. Are these related??

I'm really ready for my job to start. It's not exactly the most surprising thing in the world, I've wanted this job forever, but I'm ready nonetheless. I already miss the level of autonomy that I had in college, so I'm really glad to be spending my summer in pretty much the same environment. And it's going to be good to meet new people and be social in that we're-just-becoming-friends way that isn't exactly substantial but is still really exciting. I totally said in my interview that I just really like kids, but let's be honest. I'm glad to be a responsibility figure and all of that, but I'm excited just for myself.

And I know everything's not going to be fantastic. You can't hold kids responsible for their actions or their words, and I know they're going to say and do things that are going to bother me. And being active and spontaneous is tiring, and I don't really have any time off for about two months. And I'm really not the most put-together person, I wouldn't want kids looking up to me, really.

But it's still all very exciting, and they do my laundry for me.

So, today was an ill-thought-out day.

2009-05-22T16:44:08Z

I was pretty much stagnant at home, and it was really just a bad environment, so last night my dad said he'd drop me off at the Emory library and I could do whatever there. This sounded good, I like libraries. Except I don't know my way around Emory's campus, and I don't know anything about their library, and I didn't have internet, and my cellphone died, and I have anxiety problems. So I spent a while just sitting and freaking out because that's probably what I do best, but then I wiated for about an hour and then decided to get the heck out of the library and find somewhere better to hang out.

And now I'm in a Starbucks (does this make me a yuppie?) with an americano and wifi and feeling much better but also kind of stupid because, well. Also, there is a rat that insists on climbing up the screen on the window next to me, and it freaks the shit out of me (or it would, if I weren't so calm), and I really wish it would go away because really, the screen outside of a Starbucks is no place for a rat, especially when I'm next to that screen with my americano and wifi. (Oh ho, a man sitting outside just started acting strangely, and I was kind of wondering what he was doing because he looked kind of crazy, and he jerked a chair or two, and then he made a kick, and the rat ran away!) And I'm also trying to figure out how to take a nap without anyone noticing that I'm napping; is this possible?

The best part: I probably won't remember any of this tomorrow.

The Air House

2009-05-18T01:55:02Z

wind snags on the gap
between timbers a tongue
against my teeth

disturbs breath
drawn across languages
as air in a room

settles and circulates
around a body full of oxygen
open to a clear morning

the sound of breath
complicates the room
I brush my lips against

your ear to make
a small patch of
air I can live in

-Zoë Skoulding

finallyflyapart @ 2009-05-14T13:09:00

2009-05-14T17:17:58Z

It's funny, I can't wait for the school year to end, it's dragged so long and really not been the most pleasant a lot of the time, but I also really don't want this week to be over. I'm really going to miss the seniors and the way activism has been this year and the comfortable routines I've fallen into. And Zoe pretty much demanded that I visit her in DC, but it's not the same as having her here, being crazy with me. All I can think is how different next year's going to be.

Still, it's a rainy but lovely day today, and I feel pretty not bad for having not really slept and taken a psychology final, and I think I'm going to bake or something and pretend that time is going to just stand still.

finallyflyapart @ 2009-05-10T18:27:00

2009-05-10T22:38:16Z

To get myself motivated to push through reading week and all of my work, a list of things I want to do this summer.

- get tan
- read for fun, if I feel like it
- bike
- let myself sleep in as late as I want, assuming it isn't a work day
- cook, all the time
- go on a date with a boy (is this possible?)
- watch lots and lots and lots of television (Veronica Mars, The L Word, The Wire)
- spend time in the sun, bloom like a flower
- workbook, especially the exercises but not the one with mouthwash
- lose five
- take a day or two to just drive somewhere exciting
- WWCR summer reading and discussion

Oh god oh god get me out of McCabe before I think the slits in the windows are suitable for archery before I take up permanent residence before I start screaming and get tased for public disturbance.

unrelated statements, in list form

2009-04-23T23:37:06Z

1. I like white Christmas lights, especially when they're the only thing illuminating my closet of a bedroom.
2. I want to go on a date with a boy and make a picnic and listen to music and kiss.
3. I was in alone Sharples earlier this week, and I was so panicked, and I was afraid that I would fall out of my chair and crack my head open and bleed to death because no one would notice.
4. I have a workbook, and it asks me to list things like, "ways I've tried to understand myself that really amount to approval and acceptance of things I don't like," and it makes me tired.
5. I've been coloring more than probably necessary.
6. I haven't been hanging out with anyone recently, and it's not that I don't want to, exactly. I just can't bring myself to hang out in a big group or seek people out, so I'm mostly just lonely because no one wants to be around me anyway.
7. If I could make myself move off my bed, I'd exercise.
8. I miss fruit.
9. If you put cream cheese on matzo, you can almost pretend it's goat cheese on crackers.
10. I really hate the paternalism of this school's bureaucracy.
11. I've had a lot of big let downs recently, and it kind of sucks. I also don't really want people to try to make me feel better, I'd rather just be validated.
12. T-Pain, my fish, is officially the most stupid fish ever; he's having a hard time figuring out how to eat.
13. Sometimes, I look at my arms, and I can't tell that they're mine.
14. I have a flowering herb, and it is sprouting and not at all dead.

finallyflyapart @ 2009-04-17T14:01:00

2009-04-17T18:04:07Z

The weather outside is gorgeous, and I can almost forget how much I hate it here.

finallyflyapart @ 2009-03-28T18:44:00

2009-03-28T23:02:19Z

Walking to the library, I imagined my life as a surrealist film, where the bikers gathered on Magill Walk were actually in wheelchairs, about to race, and the cold, bare branches of the trees were ink scribbling across the stark white sky.

good things:
1. rendezvous red tights
2. saturday
3. art museums, especially with alex
4. sager
5. sleeping
6. quiet lunches

bad things:
1. ripping off bandaids
2. noticing scars
3. guys who like to fix the crazies
4. sinking
5. njohnso1
6. too long bangs

finallyflyapart @ 2009-03-18T11:22:00

2009-03-18T15:23:18Z

SHARPLES MARATHON.

It's not New York,

2009-03-14T15:18:42Z

but today I have coffee with Melissa, Natalie, and Anna. !!

Also, it doesn't really creep me out that facebook follows what you're talking about and what sites you visit to provide relevant ads in the margins, not really as much as it probably should. But, all of my ads are about, pretty much, one of three things: online college (don't worry, get the credits you need, graduate on time!), study abroad (study art in Greece!), and my credit score (is your credit score below 600?). Clearly, I spend too much time worrying about failing out of school and then online shopping to feel better. EVEN FACEBOOK KNOWS.

and I'm walking with the sun in my mouth

2009-03-13T15:21:01Z

I've recently realized what's really wrong with my life, why I feel like I'm always running on empty.

I always motivate myself with something I really want (I'll get to see my friends from home, I'll get to cook, I'll get to see of Montreal before New Years, I'll go to Princeton and see Lydia, I'll get to spend the weekend sightseeing), and I make myself work and work, and I tolerate the anxiety and the fact that I can feel my humanity just slipping away to the point where I don't care about things or want to eat food and would rather just sit by myself. Because there's always that little glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that, this time, it'll be different. I'll be able to do what I want, and I've really got something to look forward to.

But it never happens, and there's only so much work I can do.

finallyflyapart @ 2009-03-10T14:49:00

2009-03-10T18:49:53Z

My mother lives in analogies.