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03 May 2011 @ 10:51 pm
 i. the wind is blowing so hard through my window that my door keeps opening and slamming.

ii. i keep being unable to sleep at night.  i'm tired and everything.  i just am also so stressed and keyed up that i keep being unable to succumb to it until 4 or 5 in the morning.

iii. i've been watching a lot more movies than usual.  wow isn't reading week productive.

iv. it's the last pub nite of the year right now.

v. i'm so ready to be gone.
music: howling wind
 mostly because i don't think anyone i know who used livejournal when i posted actively still does.  so it's like who cares what i say, right.  i like the privateness of it.  you know, kind of ironically i felt kind of naked here (or maybe i just felt lazy, honestly) so i started posting on tumblr.  and then i was posting mostly photos, and people were following me mostly for photos, so i made a side blog just for talking about me.  but then people started reading it, and i felt naked, again.  so i made another blog - i won't give out the url to anyone i know, i usually don't mention it either - but now that has thousands of followers.  which is strange because i'm really not that interesting.  but with that many people reading, i feel on display.  i talk about mundane things, but it's with a lot of self-awareness.  i like that i feel like i've made friends from it all, and honestly i have really lovely followers, but i feel pretty on display regardless.

i guess this all means that really i just shouldn't journal on the internet.  but i do keep a real journal, and it's great and private and unlined.  it's just a very different experience.  for some reason, it's much more emotionally draining to actually write things down.  i like that i can just think, and somehow magically my hands have typed it.

so, some things have happened in the past two years, surprisingly:
1. i've mostly given up on capital letters.
2. i'm still at swarthmore.  i'm a junior now.  actually.  it's the end of junior year.  i'm almost a senior.
3. i have Big Plans for my life now.  kind of.  i have direction at least.
4. i'm not very sentimental any more.  i guess i'm still pretty emotional but it's in that unhinged and raw kind of way.
5. i'm either very depressed or very detached most of the time.  (see: above.)  we could have probably predicted this, looking back.  and admittedly when i stopped posting on here i was already aware of these things.  and i was already having crazy anxiety.  i just wasn't in therapy, only on loads of medication.
6. i've gained a lot and lost a lot.  i've also shed a lot of the things i used to cling to and crave.  i think this makes me a better person but also a really different one.
7. i've been hit by a car.
8. i like fashion, running and traveling a lot more.
9. i like death cab for cutie, scarves, and studying a lot less.  the problem with the last one is that part of #3 involves phd programs.  fffff.
10. sometimes i feel mostly the same as i've always been, sometimes completely different.  when i look back to old posts, i don't even really cringe at the melodrama of it all.  or i try not to, haha.

these are a lot of i-statements.  sorry.  i guess i'm a solipsist.  (see what i did there?)

music: the buzz of my lamp
16 September 2009 @ 10:20 pm
 The sky was sublime.  Early evening, with the makings of a storm floating in the clouds, glowing brightly purple and pink.  Fireflies illuminating the grass, yellow, green.

It felt surreal.
music: Feist
11 August 2009 @ 05:32 pm
I feel almost guilty updating.  I've realized recently that most events in my life are either boring as heck or fairly unrelatable, but what can you do, I guess.

Things that seem noteworthy:
1. I saw nearly all of my high school friends today, which was really, really wonderful.  It's been hard, not seeing anyone, but I feel really anxious when I try to write people letters or call them on the phone, so I'm stuck in this weird paradox most of the time.
2. My gmail keeps saying that I have a ton of unread emails.  When I logged in a while ago, I had 28.  Now, I evidently have 47 and counting, but I can't actually see any of them in my inbox, so I have no idea where they are.  I don't know where they could possibly be fetching from, or where they're hiding out.  Right now, I really wish I were more technologically advanced.
3. I'm kind of dreading returning to Swarthmore.  I feel really insignificant to people there, and I don't really want to confont all these feelings that have been building in me.  I just feel like I could fall off the face of the earth, and it wouldn't make the slightest difference.  It's probably a common feeling, but it feels terribly personal, regardless.
4. I'm listening to indie Christmas music, and it's strangely comforting, kind of like being warmed by a fire.
5. It's Tuesday now, and I haven't actually slept since Thursday night.  Human bodies do crazy things, sometimes.
10 August 2009 @ 09:52 am
 GREAT TRAGEDY HAS STRUCK MY LIFE.  I can't find my "this is what a feminist looks like" pin.  It's got to be hiding somewhere, little fucker.

mood: irrationally pissed